AS A WISE MAN ONCE WROTE;
I SEEK ONLY YOUR UNDERSTANDING
AND
YOUR EMPATHY,
I DO NOT WANT,
NOR DO I NEED YOUR PITY
OR
YOUR SYMPATHY.
When your life is in a crisis, you find out who your true friends are.
They will stand by you through it all, and still be there for you after the dust settles.
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
A little something I would like to share with the world. Don't worry my friends, it's not contagious, although the way some people carry on, one would be forgiven for thinking that it is a terrible communicable disease.
Never in my wildest imagining did I, for one moment, think that I would ever suffer from PTSD. Nope that happened to weaker men and women, not to the likes of me. Or so I thought, now I see that it more often than not happens to those who are amongst the strongest mentally.
In my particular case this was bought about by the callous and deliberate actions of a number of soulless individuals who held Government Prison Service {H.M.P.S} Senior Management roles at Corrections Victoria Dame Phyllis Frost Centre, a Women's Maximum Security Correctional facility in Deer Park.
They orchestrated a scurrilous attack on my Integrity, the very cornerstone of my belief system. The one area where I was most vulnerable. I had no training in how to counter their attack and as a result my world began to slowly and inexorably crumble around me.
Bastards and Dogs, may they rot in Hell, every last one of them. I had my day in Court and they were found wanting. A moral victory was mine... but it was not enough.
I have, for those interested, a documented (my version) story of the events starting in February 2005 leading up to my total meltdown in 2006.
That meltdown cost me dearly. I lost a career, lovers, my livelihood, my will to live, but more importantly my eldest Daughter. For during that period of my life and in the years since, I have fought my Demons on my own. My Daughter does not seem to understand just how much that took out of me and how close to the edge I really was and still am.
On the plus side, I did find out who my true friends were and there were only a few, the others deserted me like rats desert a sinking ship. Some have come crawling back seeking to be my friend again...I tell them plainly that I have no time for Rats and their entreaties are wasted on my ears.
When PTSD hits, it hits you hard, right between the eyes and the result of that hit is life altering, for there is no recovery, no going back to the person you were before. All one can hope for is to learn to live with it and strive to remain as stable as possible. For it is akin to having a dark cloud over you day in, day out.
Every day is a struggle and it is difficult at times just to do the very basic day to day things. There are those days when I am somewhat able to cope and then there are the other days, which I call "Black Dog" days, when an overwhelming sadness closes in around me and my world descends into a place of darkness and pain. It is a place of darkness that I know so very well.
In this, the darkest of places there is no fear for me, though that has not always been the case, now there is only a sense of anticipation as I sit with Death at my board, smiling to myself as I challenge her to release me from the Demons that haunt my mind.
Whilst it is a release that I both want and seek, I have thus far lacked the strength and courage to lay down my life and I feel no shame at having stared Death in the face only to choose life instead.
Oftentimes when I am at my lowest ebb, some of my friends mistakenly think that I am simply wallowing in self pity and that I have jumped aboard the so called "Pity Train".
They are so far from the truth, for it is apparent that they understand nothing of Depression, simply labelling it as self pity and something that happens to others, never to them. I do not hold those viewpoints against them, for it is a truth that in order to understand Depression and in particular PTSD and the impact they have on a person, one must experience it first hand, there is no other way.
As for me, each day I now count as a blessing for I have no tomorrow. I dream of death and await her coming. There is no fear, only a calmness and inner peace in the knowledge that my pain and internal torment will soon enough come to pass.
Never in my wildest imagining did I, for one moment, think that I would ever suffer from PTSD. Nope that happened to weaker men and women, not to the likes of me. Or so I thought, now I see that it more often than not happens to those who are amongst the strongest mentally.
In my particular case this was bought about by the callous and deliberate actions of a number of soulless individuals who held Government Prison Service {H.M.P.S} Senior Management roles at Corrections Victoria Dame Phyllis Frost Centre, a Women's Maximum Security Correctional facility in Deer Park.
They orchestrated a scurrilous attack on my Integrity, the very cornerstone of my belief system. The one area where I was most vulnerable. I had no training in how to counter their attack and as a result my world began to slowly and inexorably crumble around me.
Bastards and Dogs, may they rot in Hell, every last one of them. I had my day in Court and they were found wanting. A moral victory was mine... but it was not enough.
I have, for those interested, a documented (my version) story of the events starting in February 2005 leading up to my total meltdown in 2006.
That meltdown cost me dearly. I lost a career, lovers, my livelihood, my will to live, but more importantly my eldest Daughter. For during that period of my life and in the years since, I have fought my Demons on my own. My Daughter does not seem to understand just how much that took out of me and how close to the edge I really was and still am.
On the plus side, I did find out who my true friends were and there were only a few, the others deserted me like rats desert a sinking ship. Some have come crawling back seeking to be my friend again...I tell them plainly that I have no time for Rats and their entreaties are wasted on my ears.
When PTSD hits, it hits you hard, right between the eyes and the result of that hit is life altering, for there is no recovery, no going back to the person you were before. All one can hope for is to learn to live with it and strive to remain as stable as possible. For it is akin to having a dark cloud over you day in, day out.
Every day is a struggle and it is difficult at times just to do the very basic day to day things. There are those days when I am somewhat able to cope and then there are the other days, which I call "Black Dog" days, when an overwhelming sadness closes in around me and my world descends into a place of darkness and pain. It is a place of darkness that I know so very well.
In this, the darkest of places there is no fear for me, though that has not always been the case, now there is only a sense of anticipation as I sit with Death at my board, smiling to myself as I challenge her to release me from the Demons that haunt my mind.
Whilst it is a release that I both want and seek, I have thus far lacked the strength and courage to lay down my life and I feel no shame at having stared Death in the face only to choose life instead.
Oftentimes when I am at my lowest ebb, some of my friends mistakenly think that I am simply wallowing in self pity and that I have jumped aboard the so called "Pity Train".
They are so far from the truth, for it is apparent that they understand nothing of Depression, simply labelling it as self pity and something that happens to others, never to them. I do not hold those viewpoints against them, for it is a truth that in order to understand Depression and in particular PTSD and the impact they have on a person, one must experience it first hand, there is no other way.
As for me, each day I now count as a blessing for I have no tomorrow. I dream of death and await her coming. There is no fear, only a calmness and inner peace in the knowledge that my pain and internal torment will soon enough come to pass.
DPFC Recruit Graduation photograph june 208
Some traitorous dogs in this bunch
Corrections Victoria
DPFC Graduation class photograph
THIS IMAGE REMOVED DUE TO THE FOLLOWING REASONS!
On 16 April 2013, Lisa Handyside, a Justice Department Employee demanded its removal.
Ms Handyside also appeared in the graduation Photo, however it appears that she does not want her Image anywhere on the Web!!
Even though the image of this person was tiny, and her identty nor the identity of any of the others in the Graduation Photograph was ever made known in any Title information,
It should also be noted that the Photo itself has been on this site for an extended period of time without any other requests for its deletion.
The DEMAND from Prison Officer L. Handyside,to remove the image was aggressive, rude and to throw in a little Intimidation, sent through on a Victorian Government Department of Justice Email.
The Emails, along with screen shots of the number of Web Searches {using C.V as a keyword, amongst others}, and the number of times this page and others I own, have been visited by P.O. Handyside, have been forwarded to Corrections Victoria Head Office and the Victorian State Government Department of Justice {D.O.J}.
These emails and the Web visits to my sites, for NON Prison related Data collection, by Prison Officer Handyside, will be viewed by the D.O.J as being inappropriate and improper use of the Prison's Email and Internet system.
The question to be asked also is WHY , is a Government Employee surfing the Net when they are supposed to be on Duty.... yet another breach of D.O.J regulations!
P. O Lisa Handyside ex DPFC and now at the Metropolitan Remand Centre.
LEGAL ADVICE IS BEING SOUGHT AND IF GROUNDS EXIST, I WILL TAKE SUCH ACTION AS IS AVAILABLE TO ME!!
As I view the actions of this D.O.J employee to be nothing more than Intimidation, Harrassment and bullying behaviour....
sadly so typical of a significant number of Members of the Victorian Prison Service.
It is people like this small minded aggrogant individual, with their bullying and demanding ways that destroyed my life.
If she wants a fight then a Fight is exactly what she will get, Media and all!!
My advice to her is to Back Off Bitch!!
DPFC Graduation class photograph
THIS IMAGE REMOVED DUE TO THE FOLLOWING REASONS!
On 16 April 2013, Lisa Handyside, a Justice Department Employee demanded its removal.
Ms Handyside also appeared in the graduation Photo, however it appears that she does not want her Image anywhere on the Web!!
Even though the image of this person was tiny, and her identty nor the identity of any of the others in the Graduation Photograph was ever made known in any Title information,
It should also be noted that the Photo itself has been on this site for an extended period of time without any other requests for its deletion.
The DEMAND from Prison Officer L. Handyside,to remove the image was aggressive, rude and to throw in a little Intimidation, sent through on a Victorian Government Department of Justice Email.
The Emails, along with screen shots of the number of Web Searches {using C.V as a keyword, amongst others}, and the number of times this page and others I own, have been visited by P.O. Handyside, have been forwarded to Corrections Victoria Head Office and the Victorian State Government Department of Justice {D.O.J}.
These emails and the Web visits to my sites, for NON Prison related Data collection, by Prison Officer Handyside, will be viewed by the D.O.J as being inappropriate and improper use of the Prison's Email and Internet system.
The question to be asked also is WHY , is a Government Employee surfing the Net when they are supposed to be on Duty.... yet another breach of D.O.J regulations!
P. O Lisa Handyside ex DPFC and now at the Metropolitan Remand Centre.
LEGAL ADVICE IS BEING SOUGHT AND IF GROUNDS EXIST, I WILL TAKE SUCH ACTION AS IS AVAILABLE TO ME!!
As I view the actions of this D.O.J employee to be nothing more than Intimidation, Harrassment and bullying behaviour....
sadly so typical of a significant number of Members of the Victorian Prison Service.
It is people like this small minded aggrogant individual, with their bullying and demanding ways that destroyed my life.
If she wants a fight then a Fight is exactly what she will get, Media and all!!
My advice to her is to Back Off Bitch!!
The words of Kahlil Gibran taken from his book the Prophet
On Pain.
Kahlil Gibran
Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.
And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;
And you would accept the seasons of your heart,
even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.
And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.
Much of your pain is self-chosen.
It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.
Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility:
For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,
And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips,
has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears.
On Death.
You would know the secret of death.
But how shall you find it unless you seek it in the heart of life?
The owl whose night-bound eyes are blind unto the day cannot unveil the mystery of light.
If you would indeed behold the spirit of death, open your heart wide unto the body of life.
For life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are one.
In the depth of your hopes and desires lies your silent knowledge of the beyond;
And like seeds dreaming beneath the snow your heart dreams of spring.
Trust the dreams, for in them is hidden the gate to eternity.
Your fear of death is but the trembling of the shepherd when he stands before the king
whose hand is to be laid upon him in honour.
Is the shepherd not joyful beneath his trembling, that he shall wear the mark of the king?
Yet is he not more mindful of his trembling?
For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?
And what is it to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides,
that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?
Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.
And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.
And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance.
Kahlil Gibran
Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.
And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;
And you would accept the seasons of your heart,
even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.
And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.
Much of your pain is self-chosen.
It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.
Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility:
For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,
And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips,
has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears.
On Death.
You would know the secret of death.
But how shall you find it unless you seek it in the heart of life?
The owl whose night-bound eyes are blind unto the day cannot unveil the mystery of light.
If you would indeed behold the spirit of death, open your heart wide unto the body of life.
For life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are one.
In the depth of your hopes and desires lies your silent knowledge of the beyond;
And like seeds dreaming beneath the snow your heart dreams of spring.
Trust the dreams, for in them is hidden the gate to eternity.
Your fear of death is but the trembling of the shepherd when he stands before the king
whose hand is to be laid upon him in honour.
Is the shepherd not joyful beneath his trembling, that he shall wear the mark of the king?
Yet is he not more mindful of his trembling?
For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?
And what is it to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides,
that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?
Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.
And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.
And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance.